MEN AS CAREGIVERS

When Stan Spohr of Richland, WA, retired in 1989, he and his wife, Mary, had plans to travel. Neither planned on Mary having a serious stroke that left her debilitated, and Stan in a new role as a caregiver. Like many, Stan didn’t identify himself as a caregiver. “It was just something that I needed to do. You make a commitment to your spouse, good or bad. You just take on the household chores. Men solve problems. You seek an answer to solve the problem. You want your spouse to get well.”

For those of you who have cared for a loved one, you know caregiving is hard. It’s even harder when you don’t identify yourself as a caregiver, and therefore don’t know how to access resources. If you are a male caregiver, you may find further challenges unique to the caregiving role.

For those who work with caregivers every day, it is sometimes perplexing to understand why so many people doing the work of caregiving simply do not identify themselves as caregivers. The reasons for this are often that caregivers believe that they are just doing what they are supposed to do—simply caring for a family member like Stan did—and that there is nothing remarkable, or definable, about this. Those who witness the sacrifices, commitment and unsung heroism of caregivers know differently.

The Family Caregiver Alliance says, “Caregivers are family, friends, and neighbors who stand by those they love as they face chronic illness, disability, or death. Caregivers are a diverse group of people of all ages and from all walks of life—some new to caregiving, some just anticipating becoming caregivers, and others for whom providing care as become a way of life.”
Culturally, when someone thinks of caregivers, images of an older woman may come to mind. Statistics show that this is simply not always the case; studies show that about one in three caregivers are men. Men often struggle with the unfamiliar caregiver role, as many men grew up thinking of women as the primary nurturers. Like women, they may experience extra stress if still working and raising a family.

One unfortunate phenomenon of chronic illness is divorce. In one five-year study, statistics show that when men became sick, divorce rates were 3%; when it was the women who became sick, 20% of couples divorced. Many men have few social outlets outside of their marriage and consequently find caregiving especially lonely when caregiving for their spouse. As a result of their spouse’s chronic illness, many men experience serious grief over the loss of their companion and how things used to be.

De Martucci, RN, and support group facilitator for KNRC’s Men-Only Support Group, shares that “For some caregivers dealing with partners with dementia, there is no longer recognition like smiles, hugs, intimacy, the companionship of conversation. Caring for a loved one can be very, very stressful, overwhelming, and the incidence of depression is extremely high. Many men have difficulty talking to their doctors or other family members about what may be going on for them.”

Learning ways to cope and have a life outside of the caregiving role is essential to good health for those who are caregiving. Exercising and eating right, seeking caregiving help, seeing your health care provider, talking with others about what you are going through, and maintaining your own interests will all contribute to wellness.
Stan became a volunteer as a way of satisfying his need to get out of the house. He says, “You have to take care of yourself so that you can be an effective caregiver. It’s very time-consuming and stressful. I found that for me, having things to do outside of the house helped put everything in perspective. It gave me an outlet.” Stan wisely offers, “Don’t be afraid to get help from others. A lot of men want to do it on their own, but don’t be afraid to ask for – or accept – help.”

One of the most important things a caregiver can do to help learn new ways to cope and reduce loneliness is to participate in a support group. Isak Dinesen once wrote that all sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them. Men can find a safe place to tell the stories of their lives in a “For Men Only” Caregivers Group that meets on the 4th Monday of each month at Callaway Gardens. A light meal is served, so please RSVP by calling 783-5433. KNRC also offers a caregivers group for men and women on the third Tuesday of each month at KNRC. Please call 943-8455 for more information about the groups, and other caregiver resources available through our center.

Article by Heidi Hill

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