“I Don’t Want to Burden my Children”

Sarah Movius Schurr, LCSW, Parkinson’s Resource Center of Oregon

In my work meeting with support groups, facilitating family meetings and talking on the HelpLine*, a familiar theme I encounter is that many folks are worried that as they get older or their care needs increase, it will make them a burden on their children. Of course, this is a natural concern and demonstrates an awareness and caring for those around us. Yet most all of us will need to call on loved ones during tough times, as well we should. As an adult child myself helping to care for an older relative, I can appreciate the strains that chronic illness places on families. Here are some tips to help make the “ask” a little easier for all parties.

1. ASK FOR HELP BEFORE YOU NEED IT. Don’t wait until your need for help is urgent and family has to drop everything to deal with a crisis. Let your kids begin to help you out while your needs are still small. Gradually add more help as it becomes appropriate. It will be easier for your family to adjust to a gradual increase in care needs than to be caught of guard by an emergency.

2. SPEND THEIR INHERITANCE. Too often people don’t pay for the care they need because they want to save money to leave to the next generation. For some that means risking a fall in the shower because you didn’t want to pay for a bath assistant or living alone when you really need to have support available for safety reasons. Generally speaking, your family would rather worry about you less today than have your money tomorrow.

3. BE BLUNT. Ask for what you need as clearly as possible. Tell your kids exactly what the situation is when you have a problem to work out. Gently hinting that something is wrong may lead to an incorrect assumption of what your true needs are.

4. HIRE A LAWYER. See an elder-law attorney and get a good estate plan in place. Get a power of attorney set up so someone can do business for you if you are in the hospital or otherwise unable to care for things. Make sure your children are informed of your decisions. A good estate plan is especially important if you have investments or multiple properties.

5. GET ON THE CALENDAR. You may have noticed – your children have very busy lives! This doesn’t mean they don’t have or won’t make the time to help. However, it does mean that if you want them to come for the afternoon to sort medical papers or give you a ride to the doctor, you will do better to schedule the time in advance. Of course, last minute things will always come up, but we all appreciate knowing that our schedule is important too.

6. BRING UP UNPLEASANT SUBJECTS. Tell your children what your wishes are around things like burial plans and how much medical intervention you want if you are close to death. Even better, put your wishes in writing and see that they all get a copy. This can help ensure your wishes are honored and save your family members from arguing about what they each think you want if you are not able to offer an opinion.

7. GO AHEAD AND BURDEN THEM A LITTLE BIT. Love, family, relationship… these wonderful parts of life include some aspect of mutual care and, yes, obligation. You would help your kids if they needed you. You are not a bad person if you need to call on them to help you once in a while.

Sarah Movius Schurr is a licensed Social Worker with Parkinson’s Resources of Oregon.
*The free HelpLine number for those affected by Parkinson’s is 1-800-426-6806.

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